The Book of Love* - Part VII

28. Cross - James Patterson

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29. The Song Reader - Lisa Tucker

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 30. The Killing Place - Tess Gerritsen

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 31. The Common Lawyer - Mark Giminez

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32. If Looks Could Kill - Beverly Barton

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 It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

*The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel

Gotta Pull Myself Together*

This week has been one where the title of this post reflects exactly what has been going on. It always reminds me of Julie Goodwin the first ever winner of Masterchef Australia. She had been struggling to make some dish and she said to the camera something like "I've just got to pull myself together and I just have to do it now!" I often feel like this and have a little chuckle to myself as I remember.

I have felt out of control and overwhelmed by all the pieces of my life that were not seeming to fit together. I decided on Tues that I needed to take control and take my power back.

I have this quote on my pinboard next to my desk

"Stop worrying about what might be and start being involved in what is." 

Jamie Oliver

I wrote this down on a scrap of paper ages ago when I was watching Jamie Oliver's show The Ministry of Food.

Jamie is one of my absolute heroes. He is a successful chef and appears to really enjoys what he does (I guess he does otherwise he wouldn't keep doing it!). His passion for what he is trying to achieve, for others, is obvious. He is so good at sharing this passion for cooking and healthy eating and I really admire his commitment. At our house we own quite a few of his cook books and have some favourites of his we often cook.

But I digress.... This week when I finally tired of this feeling of being our of control, I sat down - after a suggestion from my lovely and supportive as always, partner - and worked out what was happening in my life that I could take control of. 

It turns out that there are a few things that are currently out of my control, but on the whole, things are controllable. One of the tools I learned from the brilliant man who saved my life last year is to look at controllables vs uncontrollables as a way of managing anxiety. (obviously I had forgotten this tool, so I was glad to be reminded of it!)

It is a really simple exercise that is about writing down all the things that are worrying me, or I am feeling anxious about such as not having a job, and working out if they are able to be controlled in some way. If they end up being uncontrollable, then they can be discarded. There's no use worrying about something you have no control over!

found at Roots of She Originally uploaded by Allison Wonderland

I now have this picture on my pinboard also as a reminder to continue to hope!

With this knowledge firmly in my mind, I have felt renewed and regained some hope for the future. I can plan and achieve!

So my list for tomorrow

• finish my research job, so I can get paid!
• look for a job
• exercise - I think I'll swim!
• plan next week's study days
• have some fun
•  

 This may not be all I achieve tomorrow, but I hope I achieve most if not all of this and maybe more.

Have a great day!

Honey, I gotta stop, gotta stop pickin' up
Gotta pull myself together
Honey, I'm breaking up,
Now that we ain't makin' up
Just gotta pull myself together

*Gotta Pull Myself Together - The Nolans

Fear of Wasted Time*

I really should be doing some work or study, instead I seem to have experienced the phenomenon of "time suckage".

This means that the whole day has run away while I have been mucking around on my computer making my blog look different, reading and answering emails, reading blogs!

Maybe it is symbolic of the fact that this seems to be a time of change in my life and the change is reflected in other things.

Come on motivation where are you?!

Time might pass me by
If I close my eyes
So I'm on the next plane leavin' town
I'll be gone tonight and
You ask why I do it that way
It's just the fear of wasted time
The fear of wasted time
That's why

*Fear of Wasted Time - Courtyard Hounds

Don't You Think It's Time*

Some major life events have occurred in the past 6 weeks:

• We moved house
• I lost my job
• my partner turned 40
• my partner had an art exhibition opening
• I had a major CFS setback - worst in 12 months

Consequently, it's been a lean time for blogging. It has been hard to find time and head space to tend my little blog.

It has also been hard to find time and headspace to do any study.

Both of these things make me very sad. I have been reading heaps because I was sick, but I was not able to read anything academic because my little brain could not take anything in, so trashy novels it has been - as evidenced by my book list!

I have been quite amazed by how unsettling I have found being at work, knowing that I was leaving. Of course, I have left jobs before, but I have never before lost my job and been expected to work out the notice - as though nothing was happening. It was really weird! The last time I lost my job because of funding, I was given the option to leave which I took after letting my clients know.

Also I was surprised by how much energy it has taken for me to go to work every day and get on with it.

So now that job is finished. YAY!

I am trying not to panic about money for now and I do have a locum position for 5 weeks that will pay the bills, but still the uncertainty is there niggling at the back of my mind. I panicked last week and as a result, ended up saying yes to 6 days of work. I have not worked more than 3 days a week for nearly 2 years, so it was a little silly, but there you go.

What comes next?

Of course I have options, there are always options!

You know that saying 'one door closes another opens' or variations of that, well it seems that may be true. Since I found out I was losing my job, there have been a number of things happened that have well and truly restored my faith in the universe. I got an email about some work that I decided against earlier in the year, I got a phone call about another job, and another email from a potential client. As well as this, I have got this locum job, been offered some research assistant work and been offered ongoing casual work, and I have also seen some other part time positions I am applying for.

So now it is up to me. Do I want to go back into private practice? Will I be able to maintain that now with my health? Is it time to think about diversifying my work? Do I still want to work as a music therapist in direct clinical work?

So many questions to be answered.

If I can stave off the panic, I really think this is a sign to take some time and have a think.  The locum job has afforded me 5 weeks of thinking time and I have a wonderful professional supervisor who is helping me work out what I most want to be doing.

One thing I do know is that I would like to use this time to get some traction on my thesis and clarify for myself where I am headed. I can also see that this may not be possible at the moment as the headspace may not be there in which case I will continue with my plodding and make sure I keep it rolling along however slowly.

It is a challenging time ahead I think, but I hope it will end with some joy and abundance - both of which have been missing for a little while.

Don't you think it's time
Time to start anew
Time for changing views
Time for making up your mind
Don't you think it's time
Time for moving on
Time for growing strong
Time to leave the past behind 

*Don't You Think It's Time - Bob Evans

The Book of Love* - Part VI

A bit late for last month, but here it is. Once again, it's the end of a very eventful month, and as usual I am keeping track of the books I am reading this year. My book List continues...

22. The Silent Sea - Clive Cussler

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23. Exposure - A Journey - Joel Magarey

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24. Bare Bones - Kathy Reichs

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25. 9th Judgement - James Patterson (with Maxine Paetro)

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I love a bit of Women's Murder club action when I have not been well. These books are pretty formula, but I like them with some twists and turns and lots of action. Another fun read!

26. Sing You Home - Jodi Picoult

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I have been waiting to read this book for a few months. There has been a lot of buzz about it in the music therapy community, as the main character in this novel is a music therapist. I finally bit the bullet and bought the book. If you've been following along with my book reading, you will know I have been reading a lot of Jodi Picoult this year thanks to my mother in law, who loaned me three of them earlier in the year. So while I have been unwell this month, I have gone back to the easy read books, and found this a quite nice depiction of a music therapist's work (when it was described).

27. I thought It was Just Me (but it isn't) - Brene Brown

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There's been some good learning in this one for me!

 The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago

*The Book Of Love - Peter Gabriel